Keep The Fire Burning

Featured Story

A loving relationship is one in which the loved one is free to be himself; to laugh with me, but never at me; to cry with me, but never because of me; to love life, to love himself, to love being loved.

Leo Buscaglia

The euphoria of being in love is like an hourglass, the heart filling up as the brain empties. The object of our affection is perfect; any problems we see in them will disappear because of love.  But that hourglass can run out leaving couples with a sense of resentment, disappointment and loneliness.

When Visalia residents, Mark and Lori first met, they described their first kiss as “the way you had always imagined a kiss should be!”   From that moment on, Mark and Lori said they spent hours engaged in conversations over pitchers of beer or tall iced coffees, ankles intertwined, eyes locked, faces just inches apart.  They floated through lust, and then into deep love.  Lori describes, “For us, there was nothing more than each other.” Neither could imagine how their relationship would ever slow down. But two and a half years later and six months into marriage, things are different.  Sex is no longer the driving force in their relationship, and the love letters have all but stopped. Mark describes, “Sometimes, it seems as if the grand task of making a life together is more important than keeping the fires burning.”  All in all, though both Mark and Lori feel certain that their  deep feeling for each other will persevere, carrying them both to retirement and beyond.

I have to ask; what, exactly, is this thing called love?  With the divorce rate in Tulare County skyrocketing,   I’ve come to learn that as quickly as love strikes, it can also vanish leaving nothing more than a lingering heartache. And it’s clear that love’s reach is vast: most of us are looking for it, trying to maintain it, or working to get over it. But where does it come from? Where does it go? And what makes it last forever?

Until recently, scientists wanted no part in explaining love.  Love is mushy; science is hard. Certain emotions such as anger and fear can be quantified through measurements; pulse and breathing rates, muscle contractions, etc. However, love does not register as definitively on the instruments.  Our primary motivation as human beings is to find that one special person often termed as a “soul mate,” who gives us meaning and a will to survive.  But who is to say our “soul mate” can’t exist in more than one human being?

Usually, we fall in love with a person that we find attractive but also someone who demonstrates that they are attracted to us…or the “love at first sight” theory.  However, studies have shown that two important characteristics, kindness and intelligence, are extremely important in the process of falling in love. These two attributes are things that people learn about someone from knowing them over time; not from a one night stand. Intelligence is important in all aspects of life, especially in love. But communication and kindness is the strongest indicator for a successful long-term relationship.

Married 52 years, Tony and Josephine of Tulare said their marriage wasn’t always perfect but they battled through their problems and say the secret to a long marriage is not to hold grudges. “We’ve had our disagreements like all couples but we’ve never held grudges, said Josephine. “Tony was a really good father. He was always willing to help with the children making matters easier on me.  We enjoyed our own separate hobbies as well as sharing in vacations as a family.”  Tony agrees couples must give and take to make their marriages last. He joked: “The secret is always to have the last word. In my case it was ‘You’re right!’

A warm and amiable relationship with mutual understanding of purpose is a realistic hope. However, too much of an attempt to achieve a complete harmonious existence where two minds think as one, can hasten the demise of even the most viable unions.  By attempting to ignore differences, neglecting independent friends and interests, and always attempting to think and feel as a unit, couples lose sight of the individuality that sparked the original interest in one another.

So how is it that some people meet the “right one” and really create lasting relationships while others get short-lived infatuation?  After extensive research, there are several common answers offered by various “relationship experts” for achieving that long-term, happy relationship.  Unfortunately, true love is not something we can wish for and have it suddenly appears on the back of a white Stallion.  Successful relationships take work, dedication and commitment along with some of the following traits:

I am a firm believer you cannot find true love until you are relatively content with the life you are already living.  You must learn to be comfortable with who you are and learn to love yourself before you can love another without reservation.  Don’t be afraid of falling in love…but in a love that is not tied to any conditions or romantic notions.  It should come as a natural way of everyday life.

Bottom line…no one enters into a relationship with the intent of it ending badly.  When people come together voluntarily to embark on a life-long relationship, they must accommodate the rollercoaster of a ride on which the journey will take them.  Accepting this reality and not the fantasy of a continual “in-love” experience is an achievable objective that can bring inner peace, happiness, and the answer to a lonely existence.  If people understood that the euphoria of being in love is only sustained for a short period of time, they could then approach relationships built with realistic expectations. Unless the relationship is understood to be cyclical, with a never-ending desires and fulfillments that must be nurtured to be sustained, the passion will end.

Some say there is nothing like the love of or for a child, for this is the purist love of all.  We might just want to stop and listen to what comes from the mouth of babes when attempting to put a label on “what is love?”  We might all benefit from a reminder that perhaps love is the simple things in life that we tend to put aside or forget in our hectic everyday lives.

“When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.” Rebecca- age 8

“You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.” Jessica – age 8